Can you heal from abuse? What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day. And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough. Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation. But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entires lives have been impacted by their narcissist. Yours doesn’t have to. To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, you’re host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.
Marissa: Before I start this interview, I just want to give a quick trigger warning. There’s content that is stated and spoken about in this episode that’s a little bit graphic and might make you feel uncomfortable or triggered. So, just go with the mindset that there is a trigger warning on this episode. Welcome back to Healing From Emotional Abuse. Today I have an awesome guest Trill Noel. He is working on this amazing documentary about domestic violence. So, I wanted to bring him on here and see if anybody wants to help him or participate. He has a master’s degree in digital media arts and engineering from LSU and a bachelor’s degree in digital art. He’s a Mongolian social media influencer known for throat singing. He’s also the CEO of Racism Revealed at Harmony Digital. Welcome, Trill I’m so happy to have you here.
Trill: How are you doing today? Marissa, it’s nice to meet you.
Marissa: I’m good. Thanks, how are you?
Trill: I’m doing wonderful. Just I’m trying to get this project off the ground and make a difference out there for women everywhere.
Marissa: Awesome. So, let’s talk a little bit about your project. Can you tell us a little bit about the documentary, the background, how you got into it?
Trill: The background of it is that a guy basically abused a woman for a period of time over the course of like six years, financially, mentally, emotionally, and physically. And he was unemployed for the most part, while she worked as a waitress making $3 an hour. She also had two kids with him, and it possibly would have been three had she not had a miscarriage, which he may or may not have a hand in. But while she’s working this job to support a household of four, he was just running around outside wanting to be an athlete, and not helping or contributing, other than working a four-hour job every day as a dishwasher. He blamed it on the fact that she didn’t let him get a job. Or she was so controlling that he couldn’t get a job. And I’ve never heard of a situation where a woman with two kids is controlling a dad to not make money and contribute. And to this day, he still blames her for that. He dragged her by her hair, and she had him sent to jail because of it. And he never let that grudge go. In fact, at one point, he hacked into her phone or her Facebook and then started messaging family members saying you need to stay away don’t talk to her anymore. She deserves this punishment that I’m giving her because she sent me to jail just for dragging her hair. He made light of the fact that all he did was drag her by her hair. That’s all I did. That’s not something to seek sympathy for. People aren’t gonna sympathize with you for that. He even told it to his co-workers at a female lead cake business where he was a dishwasher. They said he couldn’t even wash the dishes, right? They had to go behind him. They said he couldn’t mop or anything. And he said, well, that’s not my role in the house. It’s not what men do in the house. That’s just typical, traditional BS. And he’d said this to a place where there were four women working who were all single-parent mothers, independent, strong women that have run a business together for years. He goes to them and says, he starts talking about his fiancé and saying negative things about her just completely bashing her and berating her, behind her back. And then you mentioned to them all I did was drag her by her hair, I don’t see why that’s such a big deal. Then he also said, I don’t see why I have to pay child support to my two previous kids, because I haven’t seen them in six years. It’s like you made them. That’s why you pay child support. And basically, long story short, he choked her one day while she was holding on to her, I think two-year-old daughter. And then she finally stood up for herself got a protective order against him, so that he couldn’t ruin her life anymore. But in doing that he ruined her life more than she could have ever possibly imagined. Because in the process of that she figured out that he hadn’t paid rent in two or three months and they were being kicked out. And then she was homeless with her two children sleeping next to a swimming pool one night. At that point in her mind, I guess life broke. You get to a point where you just feel you failed as a mother, but you don’t realize it’s not necessarily all your fault. And she basically abandoned the kids at his doorstep one day, probably to the mom where he lives, basically, he’s living with his mom now. And he is still unemployed even after this girl passed away, so he can’t blame it on her anymore. I’m sure he’ll use the excuse of COVID, to say that he can’t get a job. But in reality, COVID isn’t stopping people in his area from getting a job. It’s not a breakout in that area. But what I was getting at is the kids were left at his mother’s doorstep. And she went on a bench relapsed, possibly was trafficked before dying, and eventually overdosed, leaving the kids behind with him as the only person that can take custody. So, the kids right now that he gave away, the day after her funeral, he gave the kids back to foster care. So, the kids are now in for the foster family. And he’s basically putting a front up in front of the social workers to get them back. And just to let people understand how bad of a front it is, the other day he said, I’m glad that black people have something to celebrate because Father’s Day happened to fall during the same weekend as Juneteenth. I don’t think he should be raising those two kids with that type of logic. I don’t think anybody should be raising kids with that type of logic.
Marissa: I completely agree. That’s extremely inappropriate. And I know that I’ve made the stance on my podcast and all my personal social media pages that I am all for Black Lives Matter. I think that any racist jargon is disgusting. He has proven to be emotionally abusive by gaslighting her and blaming and not taking accountability for anything, and being financially abusive, as well. So, how did you get involved in this Trill?
Trill: One day I was scrolling through my Facebook and I saw something on my newsfeed talking about how you shouldn’t judge someone based on the actions of their past. Because people have constantly been trying to make light of George Floyd’s death by saying what he did prior, many years prior, not within the hour of death, but years prior, days prior, weeks prior I could understand, but you’re going back years. In one year, a person could fully change their entire life. Robert Byrd, who used to be in the KKK, in the Democratic Party, came out and said, I made the biggest mistake of my life, and then he spent the rest of his life atoning for it. Is he going to go down in history as being some vile villain and criminal because of what he did in his past? Or because of the actions that he did to atone for it? And this guy was currently doing actions to atone for the things that he did. He was a great father. And this guy isn’t a great father. And he’s talking about this guy who was a great father. His words were he deserved this because he wasn’t Jesus. He held a pregnant woman up with a gun, he wasn’t Jesus. Those were his exact words, basically. So, I went on and left a comment underneath that saying, well, let’s look at your past and judge you based on your past. And then I looked into his Facebook and saw what he had in his past. As I was scrolling through his timeline, I noticed that he was writing letters to his now-deceased fiancé. And I started to feel bad for him. But then I saw something where he talked about having sex with her in the afterlife, and how once he meets her whenever he dies, it’s going to be on like Donkey Kong. And then another alarming message came out when I found another post where it says, I found a pair of your pants and I can still smell you on them. I sleep next to it at night. Then other posts say please visit me in my dreams at night. I want to see you again. And her sister who passed away two weeks after her for unrelated reasons she I think hadn’t pneumonia. He wrote a letter to his fiancé in January, she died in December 19. On the day that her sister died, he wrote this letter, and it said, now that she’s gone, I know the two of you are up there talking about parts of me. And then later on in that same letter, he starts talking about their little spot in the car where he and her had like a moment of sexual intercourse or something. So, it’s like even after death he’s seeing her as a meth head and…
Marissa: An object.
Trill: An object. No, I was gonna say a piece of meat. Cause objects can have respect according to this guy because he has medals that he got, participation medals because he has asthma. And he participated in some of the Spartan races, he received some of those. And in the process of getting his things whenever they were being evicted, he didn’t even interact with his daughter or touch her. This is after he had choked the mother holding the daughter. He completely ignored the kids grabbed his medals and said, these are my babies and joked and laughed like none of this mattered. Didn’t see her struggling or depression or the pain that she was going through, the suffering that she was about to go through. He was laughing as he took his medals and walked away leaving them there to basically starve, suffer, God knows whatever. Because you know, a man can just up and walk out of a situation. Child Support was supposed to be involved at that point, but he didn’t have a job. How do you get Child Support going on that? I’m sure the girl would have probably put him on child support had she been educated about the fact that you can still put a guy on child support, even if they don’t have the job. Maybe she wouldn’t have suffered and had to deal with so much. Because there’s a lot of women out there that don’t know a lot of the things that they’re getting themselves into when they get with a guy. And this guy was a complete narcissist. And to this day is still a narcissist. His friends came and attacked him when he made that Juneteenth post. In fact, some of them sent me a picture of the post and said, I want you to put this in your documentary. I wouldn’t have known about it had they not come to me and that’s just to say how his loyalties work. No one’s loyal to him because of the fact that he’s such a narcissist. Even the ones that tried to tell him it was wrong, he argued with them and says, you guys need to just take the joke, it’s just humor. If you’re so sensitive, get off of my friend list, I’ll delete you bye, and most of these were women. So, it just goes to show the cycle of what he’s doing to women, and what he would teach the son that he has with her to do to women. On the other hand, he has two other kids from another woman, prior to this one, that he still has an active protection order against. She has full custody of those two kids, and he has not seen them in basically six years. It goes to say that he abused this woman, she kicked him out and banned him. Then he went to this woman and started this cycle again. And this woman, unfortunately, met her end because of [unintelligible at 12:30] he wasn’t the one that killed her, but in my opinion, he added the ammunition that led to it.
Marissa: So, what is the goal of the documentary that you’re making?
Trill: The goal of this documentary is to show what a woman has gone through. But the process in which I’m going to show it is going to be broad, it’s going to be out there, and it’s going to show what she posted on May 22, what he posted on May 22. So, you can actually see what it looks like in our modern-day and age when someone’s being abused. Because it’s not the same as back then where we have no record or we just go here say. They both have profiles that are public and I actually can make the comparison of what he was talking about on that day; where he’s like, we had a non-violent argument and we just talked things out. And she’s on her page saying, I’m so hurt right now and I’m so depressed, I’ve never felt so alone. That doesn’t happen from a non-violent argument. It’s just saying this is what really was going on. And this is what it looks like in our modern society. These are the signs that friends need to be looking for. But at the same time, whenever I say it’s going to be raw, I’m going to be trying to get women involved telling their story bluntly on camera, not blurred, not voice changed. I want people to hear the cracking of your voice when you say the story that you went through. I want them to see the pain on your face, the tears that may come out of your eyes as you’re talking. Because a lot of stuff that happens with women that have been abused, whenever they come forward on a documentary or anything on TV it’s blurred for their safety, obviously, I understand that completely. But I’m looking to make a story where there’s women that come out, and they’re not afraid. The same way that I’m not afraid to stand up against the racial injustice in my country. As a black man, it doesn’t matter if I’m hidden or not anymore, I’m still going to die on the street from a cop shooting me because I had an inspection sticker that needed to be changed. Or you know I passed up a stop sign by a few inches. That’s enough for them to pull me over and then I go to grab something in my car and they racially profile me and attack. So, right now it doesn’t matter whether I’m blatant with what I’m doing or not. So, I feel like that same motive needs to be thrown to this problem with women. Because that’s what started this. That’s what started me on this process. He through something very racist out. And I approached it with the same approach that I’m telling women to use right now.
Marissa: How can we contact you or get involved?
Trill: Anybody that wants to get involved, all they need to do is send me a video recording of them talking about statistics, information, anything involving their own personal story. They can hold up a photo of their abuser, they can hold up their abuser’s name on a piece of paper and light it on fire. I want this to be raw, I want people to really see what they feel. The same way that there’s videos of black people burning the Confederate flag now, or statues coming down, they’re seeing it raw, with the true emotion behind it. They can send that to me on Facebook, my name is Trill Noel, T-R-I-L-L, N-O-E-L. Or they can email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. It’s T-R-I-L-L, G-U-U-N@gmail.com. And they can send me a video that they’ve uploaded to Google Drive or Dropbox or any location because you can’t send anything over 25 megabytes. And it’ll be thrown into the story and used. As long as it has their face in it, it really doesn’t matter to me, just so they’re telling the truth, and how they feel about it. Because I want people to see it on the faces. We can’t stand in silence and hide anymore.
Marissa: It’s humanizing to see someone talking about their abuse. And it’s really eye-opening for people who haven’t opened up about it or haven’t dealt with it or acknowledged it yet to see that there are human people that are dealing with something similar to what they are, you know, it’s very helpful.
Trill: My reasoning behind it. And the reason why I support my take on delivering this documentary is because of the fact that whenever I looked my exes in the eyes, or the girl that I’m with currently, the mother of my child, on a day where I saw the pain written in their face, it showed me that, maybe I was being wrong, maybe I did something wrong. And I’m hoping that other men seeing this, looking at in the eyes, you know, you see it written on the face, it makes a huge difference, as opposed to reading it in text, or hearing it or seeing it but the face is blurred. I don’t connect on that point. It doesn’t become interpersonal anymore. For it to be interpersonal I need them to actually have their face there. I need to be looking into their eyes as they’re speaking. So, when I share this on social media, and for those of you that don’t come forward and tell your story, as long as you’re on board with the project, and you share it through your network of friends, that’s enough, that’s you participating. That’s all it takes nowadays is a social media spark that becomes viral, that becomes a flare, that becomes a fire. And something will happen because of it.
Marissa: Thank you so much for talking with me today about this project, and about your goals and helping the community of domestic violence survivors get their voices heard, and speak out against abuse and abusers. I think what you’re doing is very admirable. So, thank you for your hard work. And for everything that you’re doing to hopefully change this man put him behind bars. I don’t know find him in a swamp, I don’t care. But thank you for making the world a safer, more aware place for survivors. I think that that’s incredible work. So, thank you.
Trill: You’re very welcome. That is my ultimate goal is just to make something change somewhere or hopefully by the end of this there’s like a GoFundMe for those kids or something. Or something could be done concerning this. Maybe donated to the children or the foster family that has her or some type of action can be taken against him getting them back until he has come forward with an apology or a heartfelt statement of truth behind the actions that he did. Because at this point, he has not suffered or felt any type of punishment towards the actions that he did to this girl. All he’s doing right now is blaming her even after she’s gone, he’s still to this day saying the things you did really messed up my life now. I can’t do things because of you. He’s enabling himself by blaming her.
Marissa: Clearly, he’s a narcissist, clearly, he doesn’t have a concrete foundation in reality but that’s a very typical abuser move. They do everything they can to not have any accountability for their actions. They gaslight, they lie, they manipulate, they coerce. It’s horrific some of the things people go through with their abusers. But I’ve sent you over my video, and I hope some people listening will also feel empowered and send videos to help because I think that this documentary is going to open a lot of eyes.
Trill: Yes, ma’am. And thank you so much for having me on your talk show. The last thing I was going to say is that I’ve been spending the past two weeks just going through domestic violence groups, listening to women from all over the country of different shapes, sizes, colors, telling me everything that they deal with, and it’s awful. As a guy, I’ve never known all this was taking place until this hit me. That’s why this story needs to be made. How can we not abuse or cause abuse if we’ve never known that it exists? Or we’ve never understood what it actually is? It’s the same thing as racism. It’s like, how can this person who’s racist realize that they’re racist if they’ve never been approached about it?
Marissa: I think that’s a really good way to describe it. You know, its ignorance is bliss. And it’s because if you don’t know it exists, or you don’t see it, it’s easy to judge from the outside say, oh, well, why did they go back? Or why didn’t they just leave or call the police? Well, it’s not that simple. There’s a much more emotional toll that it takes. And you know, there’s love there. And I mean, there’s a million reasons. But if you have never had a true heart to heart conversation with someone that went through it, or never opened up to listen to somebody who’s gone through it, you’ll never truly understand. So, I think that if that’s the demographic we’re catering to educate and to make them aware that this is a pervasive problem in our society, I think that that’s extremely admirable.
Trill: Thank you very much for that. It’s an honor to work with you on this project. And it’s an honor to work with these women that are getting involved with this project. And even those that aren’t, it’s an honor to know that I’m doing something that makes someone else’s life easier somewhere. Right now, I should be focused on participating in the Black Lives Matter protests, fighting for my racial and justices that I deal with in the South because I’m in Louisiana. This is where the KKK originated. And I’m not. I’m over here making a story about a white girl who’s with a white guy. It just goes to say how much it moves me. The plight that she went through is more than my plight as a black man right now. There was no escaping that. It felt like I was watching someone who was someone else’s slave. But it’s modern slavery. It’s not the same. No one has ever controlled me as a black man. Other than whenever the laws around, but she was controlled 24/7 in the household. And that’s just awful.
Marissa: I love that analogy that it’s modern slavery. That’s powerful. You’re totally right. She was very trapped, and controlled, and manipulated. It’s everything slavery and indentured servitude was. And it’s still happening, but because it’s silenced and underreported it’s consistently overlooked.
Trill: I think this project will get some voices speaking. I watched The Handmaid’s Tale. And after that, I started to see things that women go through on a different level. Because me being in film, I read that movie like film as literature, I didn’t watch it for entertainment. I was watching it to see the motives going on. The director’s intentions, you know, how they were communicating each thing and what these actions meant. I think that partially made it to where when I saw this, I was able to see under the radar instantly. It’s just like, we don’t have that in our society where there’s a group of women that get together like this and come out on the front line, saying, we are suffering, we are being abused. Here’s all of our voices at once.
Marissa: I love that. Thank you so much for sharing this vision with us and for, again, doing this amazing work. I really appreciate that you came on and talk to us about it. And I especially appreciate that you’re working on it and have such a big heart for it.
Trill: You’re very welcome. And I hope to communicate with you in the future moving forward. And I’ll definitely update you on what’s going on with this project. And anybody that gets involved will be updated to my page as well.
Marissa: Thank you so much for joining us today. I’m really excited about this extremely important documentary. I think that this documentary and this information can be vital to helping millions of people who have been abused speak out because they realize that they’re not alone and the things that they went through are relatable with millions of other people. If you’re concerned about starting your healing journey, and you just don’t know where to start, I’ve created a program called the Rue Approach that teaches you how to heal from your abuse in five simple steps. You can find the book available on my website, marissafayecohen.com, or on Amazon, The Rue Approach Healing from Abuse. If you need anything else, feel free to contact me via social media or email. All of that information is in the description. Thank you so much for listening and I hope you have a great rest of your week.
Hey! If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. . Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life. Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!