Can you heal from abuse? What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day. And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough. Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation. But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entires lives have been impacted by their narcissist. Yours doesn’t have to. To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.
Abuse is debilitating, and the feeling doesn’t just go away. Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, narcissism, and Sexual Assault, aside from physical damage, leave severe and lasting emotional and psychological repercussions on its victims. In sexual assault situations, our personal space and body are violated. We lose control of our bodies, and are instead met with shame, guilt and the feeling of being worthless and devalued. Our crime scene is our bodies. We never have the luxury to leave it.
And with domestic violence, something everyone needs to understand, it never starts out with someone punching us in the face. They need to hook us first. It’ll start with charm and love and kindness. Then slowly but surely start to verbally and emotionally abuse us, and that branches into physical and sexual abuse. It’s a cycle that never ends, sometimes even after we leave. But the verbal abuse and psychological abuse depletes our confidence and self-worth. We begin to lose ourselves. And when that happens, we convince ourselves that everything our abusers said to us was true. And tear ourselves down and make us feel worse and worse.
We often search for ways to forget, or pretend it never happened. And that doesn’t help either. You can’t escape your past. When it comes back to haunt us, the first thing survivors grab for are quick fixes. That can be anything from abusing substances or promiscuity, to total reclusion and anything in between. According to the Center On Addiction dot Org, a common psychological factor that attributes one to becoming a drug addict is having endured, “physical, sexual or emotional abuse or trauma.” The best way to take control of your past abuse is to build yourself up in a healthy way. And that starts with your confidence. Someone who values themselves and has a strong sense of worth, typically won’t turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain.
So, let’s keep you safe and build you back up. Give you your power back. The most important way to build your confidence is by changing the way you talk to yourself. And this goes for everyone – not just survivors of abuse. For whatever reason, it became a societal mantra that we are our harshest critics – which encourages us to trash ourselves, to ourselves. We as people should always push ourselves to be better and do our best. But not at the expense of our self-esteem.
In high school, typically we look to the athletes and the honors students as the high achievers. The ones with the highest sense of self, that push themselves the hardest and will go on to achieve the most. Right? For my high school, it was the soccer players. And what made our soccer team so successful is that they, and their coach, demanded their best from them at every practice. At all times, they were pushing themselves to do their best. But not at the expense of their confidence. The coach and team would bolster their sense of confidence, and they would supplement it by talking themselves up. Statistics show that high school students with more confidence are less likely to take part in risky behaviors. The two least susceptible populations in high school for trying drugs or teen pregnancies are : Athletes and Honors Students. Because these activities provide the students with confidence.
For me, I attended a magnet program for theater and performing arts for high school. So instead of having gym and electives, I had a secondary schedule filled with dance classes, voice and acting. And it was always the same people. And it was a lot of fun. But, I always felt isolated from my classmates. They were a clique, and I didn’t belong. Now, they never said I didn’t belong or wasn’t invited. It was what I told myself, everyday. That I wasn’t pretty enough, that I wasn’t cool enough, or that I wasn’t talented enough to hang out with them. And without them having to say a word, I completely took myself out of the running to be included in their group. At the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing. I felt like what they were doing and saying was what kept me isolated. But looking back, because I was telling myself that I wasn’t worthy of being a part of their group, I didn’t even try to be their friends. I had myself completely convinced that I was not good enough.
Have you ever had an experience like this? Think back to a time where you felt left out or isolated from a group or an event. Did anyone ever say anything about you not being invited or welcome there? Or was it you that told yourself? Was it you that convinced yourself that you’re not good enough to be there? Or that nobody there likes you?
I wanted so badly to live with the confidence they had, but I didn’t realize that I was the one tearing myself down constantly. With the help of my teachers and peers, I was handed more than enough evidence to prove to myself what a piece of crap I was, but it was really just me tearing myself down. Have you ever noticed yourself doing that? Reiterating what someone else that you respect says about you? When others say it, it hurts, but not as much as when you say it to yourself. Think of a time that someone you loved or respected told you some horrible quality about you. Even if it was in a fight. What did you say to yourself after they said it? Did you tell yourself that it wasn’t true, or did you agree and feel even worse about yourself?
There are innumerable benefits to building your self esteem. First and foremost, you won’t feel bad about yourself anymore. You won’t blame yourself or beat yourself up. You won’t feel powerless or like a small floating blob in the big, big universe. Instead, you could be the person that inspires others. Finding love within yourself, and being able to share your journey with others is inspiring. Recognizing that you’ve overcome obstacles, whatever that means for you, and helping others to do so makes you a leader.
What I want you to do today, is recognize all of your amazing qualities. Like I said, it’s easy to beat ourselves down. So let’s work on building self esteem. Let’s take some time and reflect on all of our amazing, strong qualities, and start putting more emphasis on those, than on the negative qualities that we judge and criticize ourselves for.
In the comments, make a list of your favorite qualities about yourself. It can be something physical, like, “I love my eyes,” or “I love my smile.” Or something emotional like, “I really care about my friends.” or “I am a kind and generous person.” It won’t seem conceited or egotistical. It’s confident. If you’re beating yourself up because you can’t think of anything, just ask your best friend or a family member. Somebody you trust whose kind and whose opinion you respect. Ask them what your 5 best qualities are and write them down.
Within the next few weeks, I will be launching a program called 5 Days to Confidence (Now, Healing From Emotional Abuse: Confidence Building Exercises for Survivors of Narcissism https://marissafayecohen.thinkific.com/enroll/1064727?price_id=1184204 ), where I take these ideals and more, to help you build confidence back up after abuse. Changing your self-talk is just one small step to increasing confidence. In 4 days, you’ll learn tools tips and tricks on how to build yourself up, and stay confident while healing from your trauma.
Thank you guys for tuning in today! You’re taking big strides to becoming a more confident you! Next week, we’ll be talking about Stalking. The dangers, the show You, and maybe a special guest!
Hey! If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life. Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!